womanhood and having a voyeuristic relationship with your own pain
“am i suffering beautifully?” “is my agony lovable?”
(via mountaindaze)
Anonymous asked:
How did you meet your current boyfriend? It’s so great to see how happy you are!
by chance! It was halloweekend and Erin asked me to go to a pregame at her boyfriend’s friend’s apartment. At the time I didn’t like her boyfriend at all so secretly I was dreading it, and when we got there he (Tom, whose apartment it was) was like “I didn’t know we were pregaming here but that’s cool!”, so I felt really guilty bc we just like showed up at his home unannounced. but he was very laid back n then him n I started chattin n a few hours into the party we all went to he got very drunk n asked me on a date n that was that!!
A fun side story is that legit as we were walking up the stairs Erin was like “you guys have to let me know if you think this kid is cute or not bc I think so but Alison doesn’t” n I sure did !!!!
Anonymous asked:
There’s no way to emphasize how friendly and inquisitive this question is, because it’ll inevitably come off as judgmental. So I’ll just Ask, Have you been single for very long at all?
Nope! The longest I’ve been single since I was 14 was an 8-9 month stretch last year
however, I have only had 3 boyfriends in my life - excluding dumb middle school ones - but one of them lasted 4.5 years. By contrast, my buddy now was single for well over two years before we started dating but has had 5 real relationships.
I get how this could come off as judgemental but don’t worry about it - it’s not something that really bothers me about myself (almost always having had a boyfriend). Some folks always seem to be in relationships n some folks don’t, there’s no right way to do adolescence/young adulthood!
I keep telling myself over and over and over again “you did not know he existed three months ago, you did not know he existed three months ago, you did not know he existed three months ago”
Everything you say or do (literally, constantly) my brain immediately jumps to “I love you” and it has almost slipped out like 6 times (when I had to cover it up a few days ago by saying “I love… uh… that I met you”)
I know it can’t possibly be ~real~ considering how short of a time it’s been, but never would I ever have expected it to be on the tip of my tongue so easily and readily and I am not going to say it anytime soon, I am not, but it feels so… so good… to love someboddy (in the most subjective sense of the word). That is all.
Yesterday I ran through the common and to the ocean and to the museum of science and over my favorite bridge and next to the river and I stopped for maybe 25 different traffic lights (lov to hate you, city running) and was simply enchanted the whole time
I brought my watch for the first time in literally months (since October???) and ran a bit over 10 miles at 8:04 pace, with a couple of my miles in the 7:30s (!?!?!)! I am in far far (faaaar) better shape than I thought - especially considering Thursday night was the drunkest I’ve been in a looong time n all I’d eaten in the 18 hours before was oatmeal (I wish I could say I was getting better at that but I’m trying). Honestly I didn’t check my watch for the first 4-5 miles and just assumed I was doing 8:30-9 because my legs and my lungs really just felt fine.
I wish it weren’t winter so I could sign up for a race soonish - but I’ve got my heart set on the Portland 10 Miler that I had to miss out on last year in April. I still don’t like running with a watch the vast majority of the time, but I like the check ins every couple months to see what the body’s been up to.
I am so stupidly grateful for a body that moves in the ways this one does and the lungs that oxygenate and my heart that circulates and my motor neurons that push my muscles and my other neurons that I don’t remember the name of that make the lived experience of a long run so euphoric. Thank You, thank You, thank You
I wasn’t going to post this bc it felt ~performative~ and then I realized that performative actions aren’t worth less than non performative actions
🌻I had a dumb lit New Year’s Eve by myself which I was dreading and turned out to be delightful and just what I needed
🌻being back in Boston literally feels like I can breathe deeper lmao I got off the bus to go grocery shopping yesterday and just stood there floored at how grateful I was to be home
🌻I get to see my buddy so much now (for the next couple weeks) which is NUTS considering in all the time I’ve known him I’ve seen him like once a week
🌻 in that note I am learning learning learning but feel less afraid n way less insecure lol
🌻I am ill! I am ill and unhappy at the moment - not severely by any means but I’m skipping running and eating vegetables all day today. I’m secretly glad I don’t have to tutor today though I will miss the $50 for sure
🌻 I did go out to lunch with Clara bc I barely get to see her and got to eat this delicious shrimp Mexican salad that felt nutritious and we looked at wedding dresses and talked about politics and I love her so much
🌻 tonight I will attempt to socialize with Thompson’s metro-west friend group without hacking up a lung only bc I don’t want to look like I’m bailing (I foolishly expressed nervousness at being The Outsider and now don’t want to pull the sick card)
🌻I finally put up shades in my room which means I can now SLEEP WITHOUT THE GLARING PARKING LOT LIGHT IN MY FACE HOO HA
🌻I finished Michelle Obama’s book and am humbled and inspired and impassioned and it made me confront a lot of my own apathy and ambition but those thoughts I will keep quiet and will not perform
None of these are very important. It’s a slow week, humor me
I had a very very blissful and fun 7 miler yesterday - those trees are normally 20 feet tall, can you believe how high the river was? Forever and ever grateful to see POWER and BEAUTY and water lol
The beginning of 2018 was, far and away, one of the worst periods of my life (if not the worst). The end of 2018 has been, far and away, the best period of my life. If this were a book, it’d have great bookends. However, it’s not a book, it’s my life.
I am excited to start at the state house and do meaningful work and see where my passions lie - in policy or in research. I am excited to date the shit out of Tom. I am excited to finish undergrad this year (and kinda pissed I don’t formally graduate lol). I am excited to keep serving God and grow more than I did this year. I am excited to spend 2019 doing what I couldn’t do for so long - run and run and run.
I found a poem from the summer the other day that ended with this line: “Post church
Outdoor naps in the garden and in Copley
Grass, benches, libraries, anywhere but beds
and I’m clean
I throw myself headlong
I jump in feet first
I trip heels over head
I sprawl
And it smells like summer”
And that feels right for what I’ve learned and what I’ve done. It certainly doesn’t smell like summer anymore, but I want it all. I don’t particularly care for a new year, I like the continuous variable of time much more than the discrete variable of year. But I am excited to continue, regardless. I am excited to discern, regardless. I am excited, regardless.
Anonymous asked:
I've been following you for a while and I just wanted to say I support you so much and I hope your future is amazing and full of joy! I hope I get to meet you one day (I also want to live in Boston!)
Wow thank you so much??? This was so thoughtful??? If you are ever in Boston please hit me up off anon I lov my city n I’m sure I would lov you too
Anonymous asked:
Ok so not that I think you're actually bothered by dumbasses on the internet but for the sake of cancelling out that one you are a (slutty?) beam of SUNSHINE
THANK YOU FROND!!! I am appreciative!!! n though I am not a slutty beam of sunshine anymore I sure am glad I was at one point :)
Anonymous asked:
slut
Chet You Betcha™️
Also I drove to the ocean bc I am tired and wanted to see it and it was magic magic magic I am so grateful for the coastline
I barely slept and I was alcohol-anxious when I woke up but you held me all night and fit in seamlessly with everyone I love and Kaylie thinks you’re very cute and my mom thinks you’re the friendliest boy I’ve dated and kt and Karina think you’re neat and Pete and Tina and Ross love love loved you and I??? had so much fun with you at mill no 5 and at village inn and at Pete’s and even though we both were up at 6 am and I loved going into New Hampshire for breakfast n you gave me a map and cider and a book about a child soldier in Sierra Leone for Christmas and I can’t believe how well you know me already n I told you I was very very sorry for being so unfair earlier this week and I got to kiss you so much and we talked so much and I… can’t wait to see you again and again and again and again and be buddies for however long we want
“I’m so grateful to have you in my life… as we enter 2019 (together)!!!”
This post is borderline incoherent as a result of me getting like 3 hours of sleep but I can’t wait to be in lov w you one day
“You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head who keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes. Bear in mind she’s trying to kill you. Bear in mind you have a life to live.”— Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia (via bambieyedgirls)
(Source: emiliaprimavera, via blackcoffeeandblankpagess)
(Source: asoftwrongness, via wanderlustrunnerr)
I had the most magical day at church and bought a sweater and spent 5 hours with my best friends in the whole world n ate a yummy dinner n am seeing my brother and singing later but right now? I miss my boyfriend? Even though I saw him like 5 days ago?
I think he is simply the best but I hate my mental well being being dependent on another human lmao I keep trying to lean into the feelings and not shove them down/avoid them (as I’ve gotten quite good at it in the past couple years) but it’s hard! I don’t WANT to feel this way I hate feeling weak
It is/was very helpful that he said he missed me yesterday bc I was afraid he was off having The Time Of His Life and not thinking about me, but! Still! I would rather my buddy be here than not be here n I don’t enjoy missing him
I don’t want anybody to be able to make me upset/feel even slightly negative but I know that I maust if I want this! I know I have to! And that’s the worst lmao I don’t know why I am struggling so much with this but I am
ANYWAYS this has been A Post™️